August 26, 2016 my mother, Penna Lynn Fischer, passed away. She had heart complications and though it was sudden and unexpected that night, we knew that it was in the air. She would have sudden attacks of her heart filling up with fluid. She served numerous attacks, but the last one finally took her.
My intention of writing this post is not to garner sympathy or even be depressing. I just want to address it. So let’s take care of the big question. Am I ok? Yes. No. Yes, I am plowing along. I have a fear of depression (my mother suffered from it her whole life) and the last thing I’m going to allow myself to do is to let the sadness stop me from my daily activities including my writing. No, because there are some days that the sadness catches up and I realize how much I miss her.
How has my writing been? Well, it’s been great, actually. One of my biggest fears was that the writing would stop. I hear stories about it all the time. A person loses interest or ambition. No. I don’t want to lose this. I can’t say my writing was very good but it was actually cathartic. I got to escape into my imaginary world and things felt normal while I was in the flow of writing.
Do I feel like it’s changed my writing? It’s only been three months, but I hope not. Of course there’s no way to tell. My ambition has not changed. If anything, I’m more determined. I’m so sad my mom will not see my first book published, but I am going to get one published.
It does taken a toll on the days that I feel like writing. Some days it’s just too hard to sit down and think. Some days that I am depressed. But I have my excel sheet and I keep careful track and make sure that there are not that many 0s per day.
It did impact my drive for blogging. Talking about myself, putting myself in the open, has not been something I’ve wanted to do for a while. But it’s a new year and it’s time to push the grief to the side and do what I need to do. My mom would not appreciate hearing that I let her hold me back.
Thank you and here’s to a much better 2017!