Perhaps one of the hardest things about writing isn’t the laying the words to paper. It is isn’t the lack of inspiration. It isn’t even plot holes or character development. The hardest part of writing for me is fighting my own inner demon.
I feel like a tiny five foot person staring up at this ten story tall demon and I have to fight this thing. The idea that I’m not just writing for myself, that I’m trying to write for an audience in the hopes that this will one day be published is almost staggering.
There are times that I stop and take a deep breath and tell myself “you know what, forget it. I can’t do it. I’m done trying.”
There are so many times that it’s so much easier to throw up my hands and say this and then just start writing for myself. Forget the audience, forget agents, forget publishing. I love this story. This is mine and no one else needs to see it.
Who am I to actually think that I have any sort of talent and that this will actually please someone else?
Sometimes this fear is so intense that it actually stops my writing. I go through a few days where I just numbly continue my life. Watching TV, playing games, working on my website…
And then I get that itch. No matter what, I’m a writer. Watching a tv show just isn’t watching for me. I’m being inspired. A small idea in the movie suddenly launches my imagination. Watching television trailers is the worst because then I imagine what the movie might be and the directions it could take. Haha, of course I’m sure my story is far different than what the movie actually is. But then it inevitably leads to the that penultimate sentence that rules my life “I want to write.” And since I’m writing, and since I’m enjoying my work so much… why can’t I make this work and make this publishable?
And the fight with my inner demon starts all over again. Here’s to hoping that I will win in the end… scarred, battle weary, yes, but victorious nonetheless.